Pain just feels right

I thought I could manage my depression on my own, without anyone’s help. I never thought I would actually reach this point. I thought I love myself enough to not cut myself.

Lately I’ve been having thoughts, or should I say feelings(???), of self-harming. In my case, I cut myself without the intention of actually killing myself.

I just want to feel the pain.

Physical pain. Not just mental, or emotional pain anymore. I want to feel pain in a different form. I can’t really explain it well why. But it just feels right.

I don’t talk about my problems with anyone anymore. I genuinely feel that my ‘real’ friends care, but, I just got tired of sharing my thoughts and feelings with them. I knew they care, but it didn’t feel like they understand, so I started keeping everything to myself. And I think the urge to cut myself started there?

Can anyone please give me some advise? Anyone who’s been through or going through the same.

I don’t know what to do. It really feels right, it feels (strangely) good to feel the pain it causes. But I don’t want anyone to notice my scars. I would just cut myself somewhere people are not likely to see them, but I feel the urge to cut on my forearm and on my legs. I really do not know how to explain this. But something inside my is telling me where and how to cut myself.

I don’t have anyone else to share this with. I don’t want my situation to be a burden to my friends. I don’t want them to worry, because i think there’s nothing to worry about.

 

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2 thoughts on “Pain just feels right

  1. Alecia says:

    Hey..I know where you are. You are seeking distraction from the mental anguish. I am there too. Only my prompt is to floor the accelerator and don’t care. The voice is not our friend. It is a part of our broken mind. Srlf-harm is the ultimate gateway to defeat. The bad thing is..it feels ‘goox’. This alone indicates that we can no longer trust our wants or desires. Cutting takes you to a place you don’t come back from..despite the seeming pleasure or relief. Your physical self is intact, it has done you no wrong. Cause your body no hsrm. The alternative? Who am I to say..I have no clue but don’t cut. I wish I could end our pain. Love.

    Liked by 1 person

    • rantingcat9 says:

      yeah, I get what you’re saying, and thank you because now I think I understand myself more??? I’m now trying to look for other things I can distract myself with. Hope you’re well

      Like

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